So, the merry-go-round continues.
Since the last posting, I have had the full gamete of emotions. And I’m still not on my full dosage yet. It’s been quite a ride. I have also finally started seeing a psychologist again, the first visit was last week, the second yesterday.
After the first visit, or as I call it, unlocking the closet, I was a mess. I got home after it, felt dirty, so had a shower, and as I dried myself, I glanced left into the mirror, and saw it for the first time in a long while. The scar. The scar, which was from when at about 6am in the morning many years ago, I awoke with a searing ( literally ) pain in my side. A searing, burning pain, that should have been a wake up call, of a previously prepared iron, being held into the side of my torso. Yes, that was how brutal this woman that appeared so mild and meek to many was. I was shocked when I saw that scar again. I don’t know why I hadn’t noticed it for so long. Unlocking the closet must have made me look. Although, as soon as I saw it last week everything came flooding back. I had buried it deep in the recesses of my consciousness. I never told anyone, until I recounted the experience with my psychologist yesterday.
I don’t know what other horrors lay in those deep recesses. I am a little frightened actually of what may lurk there, things that I have hidden from others, but mainly from myself. I am scared of the scars.
In actual fact, I am still scared of HER. The one who now goes to church, because the brainwashers knocked on her door, to try and absolve her sins. She doesn’t have enough hours of life left to ever pray enough to have her sins absolved. I myself don’t believe in such fairy stories of some ultimate being in control of everything ( if there is, he is male, because he is such a prick ), But if I am wrong, then she should never, ever, be allowed through those Pearly Gates. No matter how much she prays for forgiveness. And I have said it before, and I’ll say it again, I have moved on, but she will NEVER get forgiveness from me. I will never give her the satisfaction.
As much as I hate talking about HER, and what she did, I know that by avoiding it, I am letting it simmer in the recesses of my mind, like a slow cooker. I know, because that is why it has started to simmer over into my dreams at night. It has made me scared of people in general. It has made me avoid interaction with others on a face to face basis. I know this all stems from the hell that I have buried in my mind, trying to ignore and forget. But hiding it away and from it, doesn’t work.
When I finished recounting the story to my psychologist yesterday, and showed her the scar, she said ” she should have been charged.” Yes, she should have been, many times over. But these sick people like HER, they twist your mind so much that although they do these horrific things to you, you never dob them in, because although you are their slave, and do everything for them, they make you believe that you wouldn’t survive without them. The fact is, it is they that can’t survive without a victim to prey on.
It was actually quite incredible when I started to empower myself again, and decided enough was enough, to see the desperate measures one of these monsters will take to keep their hold on you, becoming increasingly more frantic, trying everything in the book, to not let you escape. Because, they know, that once their victim breaks free, their dirty little secrets will no longer be hidden any more.
Until I started having the distinct signs of PTSD last year, I thought I had handled everything pretty well in my new life. The damage however, is more than just those physical scars. I know some people think that when you work through these things with a therapist, that you will eventually get to a resolution at some point. I think it is true to a certain point, but although the scars, both physical and mental may fade over time, they don’t go completely. I am under no illusions that this past I am living with, will always be there.
As a postscript to this, I must also mention that my psychologist told me a few interesting things. Her own son, who is a few years younger than I, is currently going through all of the same things I did. He is trying to escape, but can’t make that final step yet. He too has a very young son who he will never leave behind with his abuser.
The other very interesting thing she has told me, which is not all that surprising to me, that of all her clients who have been or are still currently victims of domestic violence, 50% are male, 50% are female. All those men’s abusers were women. This fallacy that continues to be bandied around that men are always the abusers, never the victims, ( or if they are victims, the attacker is another male ), and all women are victims, has got to collapse soon, because factually speaking, it is not true. And, I will tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, all victims, regardless of gender, are damaged and suffer the exact same amount. Perpetuating the myth that men are less feeling and can just “man up” and deal with it, and that it doesn’t effect men as badly, is exactly that, a myth, and in itself is a form of abuse towards those victims, but this time, it’s not coming from the original culprit, it is coming from society. All victims, have gone through enough, regardless of gender. Society needs to stop being abusers themselves.